illuminate.

I am so blessed. Each and every day I feel the joy that God gives me bursting inside of me more and more. I feel like God is melting away the things of this world in my heart and sending his spirit to fill me with overflowing joy and peace and excitement. I am so blessed.

This morning Texanna (greatest best friend on the planet) sent me this prayer:

Grant, O Lord my God, that I may never fall away in success or in failure; that I may not be prideful in property nor dejected in adversity. Let me rejoice only in what unites us and sorrow only in what separates us. May I strive to please no one or fear to displease anyone except Yourself. May I seek always the things that are eternal and never those that are only temporal. May I shun any joy that is without You and never seek any that is beside You. O Lord, may I delight in any work I do for You and tire of any rest that is apart from You. My God, let me direct my heart towards You, and in my failings, always repent with a purpose of amendment.

-St. Thomas Aquinas

This is the prayer of my heart, this is what I want my life to look like. Expect some change.

Redeeming Love

I love that God can use somebody like Francine Rivers to change my whole world with her incredible talents to translate His love into a story with so much truth it's overwhelming and scary and relieving and beautiful.

I've officially grown to learn so much about the way God works and how I'm supposed to work with Him in a natural beautiful harmony in everyday life. I've learned so much about my self, about my past, about how to let go, how to forgive, the fact that I haven't forgiven with my whole heart, the fact that God still doesn't have all of me, and that He should own every inch of my thoughts, actions, soul, and body.

I relate to Angel in so many ways it's frightening. The numbness that comes with living a life of sin, the hate, the sorrow, the shame.

This book is like a recovery class for me!

I didn't realize I still had so much to recover from; that I still have so much healing to do, that the process has only begun and God still has so much for me it's unimaginable! He loves me and cares for me in the same ways he cares for Angel, except He has taken the role of Michael Hosea. God himself drug me out of the pits of hell with me kicking and screaming. I didn't want to leave either; I was afraid. I did not asked to be saved. I did not want to be saved. I wanted to rot where I was so I wouldn't have to feel anything, so I wouldn't have to redo the process of finding what I thought was love, because the process was long, scary, and twisted. I was numb and afraid and hiding, and God moved me from my hiding place set me on my feet again and brought warmth back into my life with me practically complaining about it.

Oh, how He loves us so.

spider house.

there is a very much beautiful almost irish man behind the bar at this very unique slash awesome coffee house were texanna and i had an incredibly awesome lunch and then proceeded to get coffees, tex got a cup of death titled the spider bite: which tastes and smells like burning wood, and i proceeded to get the cutesiest cup of vanilla cappuccino to ever exist.

i have just now proceeded to write the longest sentence ever.

i vote yes on almost irish beautifully bearded men.

First Day of New Thru 30

I haven't even been able to make it all the way to chapter 12 in Matthew before needing a break due to spiritual overload.

In order to unload, I've learned the following:

Jesus left us quite a few instructions.

Here are some:

1) Let your light shine before men.

2) Settle matters quickly with your adversary

3) Don't lust.

4) Let your "yes" be your "yes and your "no", "no". In other words, don't swear.

5) Love your enemies; pray for them.

6) Do acts of righteousness in private so that God gets the glory.

7) Pray in solitude, not boastfully.

8) Forgive.

9) Store your treasures in heaven, not earth.

10) Don't worry! God provides.

11) Don't judge others

12) "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

13) Do to others what you would have them do to you.

14) Watch out for false prophets.

15) "Follow me"

16) Don't take backup in case God fails. Have faith.

17) Be on your guard against all men.

18) Do not be afraid! be only afraid of God.

Um, why yes. I'm an idiot and I do none of these things. This is a good slap in the face.

I learned quite a few other important things too.

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

OUCH. Looks like I've got plenty to work on.

Words of Worship

Tonight I got home from being with my other half, Texanna Kay Dennie and Coltin Wester.
I'm waking up at 5:30 am to meet him at 6:35 to go to Plano and lead worship for a youth group. Tex and I got back around 11:30 when I realized I had to work tonight from 12am to 4am.
But, not to be discouraged
Listen to the words to our song.

God in my living, there in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping
God in my resting, there in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking

My immediate thoughts when going into work were "Dang, I'm only going to get an hour of sleep. I won't be awake for worship; It'll be awful, etc."
When in reality, my God is the God of my resting, sleeping, working, waking, healing, breathing, dreaming, laughing, waiting, hurting, living.
and He is a God who can give me the energy to last a lifetime without sleep, because nothing is impossible when you are in His will.
and honestly, I hadn't prepared my heart very well. God has blessed me with these four hours to get to know Him better before worship in the morning, to really look at the words to the songs and place them in my heart.
God sure does know what He's doing.

Creator God you gave me breath so I could praise

This is why I live. I live to praise my God. I live to love my King. I live to worship the Creator. How dumb am I to think otherwise?

Come ye, weary, heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry til' you're better
You will never come at all

Coltin's favorite part of this song. Such truth in these words.

Overall, God never ceases to amaze me. When I think I've got it all figured out, He takes my whole world and shakes it upside down and reveals to me that I so do not have anything without Him. I praise God in moments like these, when I am humbled, when I can really see His face, feel His heart.

My God is the God of this city
He's the God of my energy
He's a God with no impossibilities

sometimes

i have a lot to do. and i just don't do it.

it's as if i put it off it will go away and won't have to be done.

thoughts at the b.

sitting here in this chair.

this black cushy chair

i watch people play ping pong.

in tyler collins super soft, baby blue hoody.

i'm seeing new people in my life

that i love.

realizing my God has blessed me,

blessed me with people that love me.

love me, encourage me, watch over me, see me, speak truth to me, surprise me, and shower me with God's mercy.

moments like these are when i think,

my God loves me so much.

so much that he would place me exactly where i belong,

without my even asking Him.

without my even wanting Him.

i'm sitting here in his presence

surrounded by people that desire to know Him more,

to be head over heels in love with Him.

i am blessed.

i am loved.

i am a servant.

i am God's child.

i am beautiful.

i am saved.

She like the fragrant taste of rain...

I've decided that if you are a new reader to my blog that you should NOT read the previous updates before this one. because they are embarrassing.

Sometimes a person doesn't realize just how much they have grown until they look at the previous blogs that they have posted. and i see now that i really have changed dramatically, even in the last week!

anyways. God is so incredibly good to me.

I'm learning patience, how to pray, to ask for wisdom, how to interact with other people, how to dress, how to think, and how to dream.

God has changed ever fiber of my being in a few short months and i hope it never ends.

-------------------------------------------------------

She like the fragrant taste of rain

rests in my senses, relentless, restless

dripping and diving in taunting drops

through my blue sky barren being

and i am searching for a sign of the smallest cloud

split to disentigrate upon the ground and

gasping, cracking like the skin of my craving tounge

dry like the veins of a heart without love

and i can not turn the way she feels away from me

like a layer to be shed

it is carved in stunning shapes and patterns on my soul

carried like dreams to places my body could never go

carried like dreams to places my body cannot go

good God can you still get us home

there are so many things everyday that God does for me that i don't recognize.

He gave me my money back that i irresponsibly spent, none of that was of me.

He gave me the greatest friend in the world.

He took didn't provide a way into darkness.

He still loves me even though i realize most of these things later on.

Why is it that i'm so slow?

still growing that's why.

i'm now striving to see God daily in every situation.

and i think that He's just told me not to hang out with people that take that insight away from me. and He's so patient with me, and i'm trying to learn to be patient with myself because i'm imperfect. i'm not going to get it all right at first. growth is gradual.

i love 1 timothy 4:12

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, and in purity.

He's also just said that i should be memorizing these verses so that i can have them on hand at all times. and that's important. i need to think of Him always.

my King is taking me down his path, and it's so right my soul cries joy.

i am a baby.

i have come to understand and realize that i have been wasting time and it hurts my heart.

i am a baby christian right now, and now it's time to grow.

i'm so ready.

college is in 8 days.

that'r right, 8.

it's happening right now, and i don't even know where the time went.

i have so much life ahead of me and this is the first step in the right direction i've taken in a long time.

was i really lucky to be in love with my best friend?

i don't know.

but i do know that God is completely and totally awesome and in control.

and that he has blessed me with time with my best friend in the whole world,

and he gave me another $6,088 for college.

i am blessed and thankful.

my heart is a mix of happy and sad.

i'm full of heartache because i truely miss casey,

yet at the same time i'm full of rejoicing because God is so good to me.

therefore, i'm a weirdy i think.

oh no sweeter name.

i'd like to shine.

it's been awhile.
i'm currently loving the twilight soundtrack.

prom is this weekend.
i need to apply for housing at unt.
my dress is green.
i don't have shoes.
i'm tired.

i have a statistics test tomorrow.
i don't care.

I just did a devotional on the plans of God.
i'm really trying to make mine match his.
i'm just running quite late.
i don't deserve anything from him anyway.

i'm going to miss texanna so much at unt.
i'm scared of being without her.

maybe graduation is actually coming to early.

acceptance

i just got my acceptance letter from UNT.
how do i feel? well, good question. not sure.
cause i still don't know where i'm going.
i'm happy to get accepted somewhere and know i have some choices.
but where does God want me to go?





still only he knows.

lost

i found God
there you were.

Valentine's Day

I'm thinking that i should just stop having such high excitements/expectations about holidays and things that to me are worth getting excited about.
cause it usually only ends in ruin.
i took a nap.
i feel better.
and i really just hope that tonight goes at least well and ends on a happier note than school day.
stupid krystal.